New business, New blog.

Hey All!  This is just a super quick shorty post to let you all know that I have moved my blog over to www.livealigned.ca .  I'm finally embarking on my new career path (whoot!) teaching alignment to other people, so I have a super snazzy new website which includes a blog.  It's just easier that way.  And now you won't have to work so hard to find all my info in one area.  :)  I really hope to see you all over on my new page!!

Internal Dialogue. or, Don't cultivate boring assholery.

One of the biggest concepts I've learned from the alignment program is to do stuff that is necessary and not harmful, and to let go of everything else.  Like standing with my weight behind me (necessary) and turning off my quads (harmful). The more I apply this concept to my body, the more I feel I should apply it to my mind as well.  I'm seeing similarities and parallels between body and mind that are making me realize that they're not separate, they're just 2 aspects of the same thing.  Just like how each leaf on a tree is connected to the roots, the mind and body are just pieces of a whole, and the health of one affects the health of the other.

So, I've been monitoring my thoughts lately, trying to get a good overview of how my mind is functioning most of the time.  I mean, I know it works, I'm just not sure ti's always working on what I'd like it to be working on.  Here's what it was beginning to sound like between my ears:

"God I'm tired.  Look at that mess.  I don't want to clean that up.  I cleaned up a lot yesterday.  I hate how much cleaning I have to do.  We are out of rice milk.  I don't want to go to the store.  It's too hot, and Myriam might not want to walk, then I'll have to carry her.  If I take the car someone stupid might get in my way . Like that guy that time who cut me off.  I was so pissed!  What is wrong with people?  Am I gonna get a chance to read today?  I need a break.  I hope Myriam goes to sleep soon.  And I am NOT sitting on the bed while she falls asleep.  What a waste of time.  I always feel like I waste so much time...it's so irritating..."

Nah, what's really irritating is my shitty attitude.  SERIOUSLY, STOP WHINING ALREADY!!  I'm boring!  Can you imagine if I actually talked like that all the time?  I'd have no friends, no one would want to be around me.  After listening to my own crappy internal dialogue, I don't want to be around me.  I keep myself very poor company (which is maybe why I always want to be distracted by movies or reading instead of just being with myself.)  This is what I'm trying to stop.  Let go of those boring complainy negative thoughts, and put my mind to better use.  But how to do this?  How can you just decide to use your mind in a less harmful more productive way?

Well, for starters you just decide to use your mind in a less harmful, more productive way.  I'm serious!  Really listen to yourself for a while, and if you don't like what you hear, change the subject.  Everyone has to have something they're interested in besides complaining.  I change the subject to blog posts.  Or I think about a drawing I might like to do.  I think about business stuff.  When it's really hard I read a cool book and I think about that instead (for me it's usually some sociology or evolutionary biology, something that gives me ideas and helps me put my own thoughts together).  You could even pull a Marge Simpson and think about items you would like to purchase.  Whatever you gotta do.

The cool thing is that it really is up to you what you think about (unless you have some kind of actual psychological problem, which I don't, I'm just annoying sometimes).  I'm not saying that I'm trying not to have a negative thought again.  I'm just trying to do it the most minimal amount necessary.  When I've been sufficiently negative (i.e., when I want to shove hot pokers in my eyes cause I'm so flilpping boring) then I start to think about other stuff instead.  If all else fails, then I take a walk in the blazing heat to the store to get milk.  By the time I get back I'm way too tired from carrying my 2 year old to really gripe about much!

Death after life.

What a grim title, eh?  I don't mean it literally.  It's just that my first few days back home after spending a week alone in California have been...an adjustment.  Maybe it's just that I forgot what it was like to be momming it up 24/7, but what I recall as a moderate challenge seems to have become a vertical climb up a slippery mud mountain.  During monsoon season.

I spent the week in California contemplating a simple lifestyle.  I passed the days focusing on where my body was in space, separating one movement from another, learning how to turn off muscles that weren't essential to the task, turning down the level of noise in the background of my life.  My thoughts were clear, my body relaxed.  Without having to calm a tantrum, wash a dish, sweep a floor, or cook a proper meal everyday my mind was quiet enough to have real thoughts.  I even started coming up with epiphanies on the plane ride home about forgiveness, responsibility, letting go, and serving others.  I was seriously feeling my consciousness elevate into some kind of freaky enlightenment and I was going all Siddhartha Gautama all over the place.


But then real life began again at the baggage claim in the airport, with an immediate cry for milk (from my daughter addressed to me) followed by a long drawn out bedtime, which ended in watching a movie on the couch with a toddler awkwardly flopping in my arms as she finally allowed herself to succumb.  The baby I returned to seems older, smarter, more determined and curious, with a heaping extra spoonful of impatience, and about 50% less emotional stability.  I've never seen someone lose it so hard over whether on not their sippy cup has a lid.  I'm looking around the kitchen for a severed finger, or a missing foot, certainly something dreadful must have happened as I was putting the lid on her cup to cause her to scream and collapse and lament "noooo, nooooo  NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!" Finally, from her position face down on the floor, she gasps "cup.  open" between sobs.  I remove the lid.  The clouds break and light beams from her face. "Merci mommy".  I wanted to ask "WHAT THE F*@K WAS THAT?!" But that would be inappropriate.


So now I'm presented with this new challenge.  How do I get back to that mental state while still living in the real world?  It was so easy for me to wisely talk about responding to stimulus appropriately, only experiencing the minimum amount of emotion necessary in response to crap that goes on in life, keeping calm through adversity and all that crap...but  that was when I was sleeping and didn't have someone groping and squeezing my boobs yelling "milk! nurse!" every 2 seconds.  Now,  back in reality I want to be face down on the floor screaming NOOOO as well.  Was it really like this before I left?  Had I just become numb to the stimulus, had I just adapted to my crazy environment?  Get back to me next week and I'll let you know if I figured it out.  Right now I have to go decide what to make for lunch and empty the garbage and bring out the compost and wash the diapers and put away the dishes I washed this morning and...and...and....stretch my hamstrings.