Monday, July 23, 2012

Internal Dialogue. or, Don't cultivate boring assholery.

One of the biggest concepts I've learned from the alignment program is to do stuff that is necessary and not harmful, and to let go of everything else.  Like standing with my weight behind me (necessary) and turning off my quads (harmful). The more I apply this concept to my body, the more I feel I should apply it to my mind as well.  I'm seeing similarities and parallels between body and mind that are making me realize that they're not separate, they're just 2 aspects of the same thing.  Just like how each leaf on a tree is connected to the roots, the mind and body are just pieces of a whole, and the health of one affects the health of the other.

So, I've been monitoring my thoughts lately, trying to get a good overview of how my mind is functioning most of the time.  I mean, I know it works, I'm just not sure ti's always working on what I'd like it to be working on.  Here's what it was beginning to sound like between my ears:

"God I'm tired.  Look at that mess.  I don't want to clean that up.  I cleaned up a lot yesterday.  I hate how much cleaning I have to do.  We are out of rice milk.  I don't want to go to the store.  It's too hot, and Myriam might not want to walk, then I'll have to carry her.  If I take the car someone stupid might get in my way . Like that guy that time who cut me off.  I was so pissed!  What is wrong with people?  Am I gonna get a chance to read today?  I need a break.  I hope Myriam goes to sleep soon.  And I am NOT sitting on the bed while she falls asleep.  What a waste of time.  I always feel like I waste so much's so irritating..."

Nah, what's really irritating is my shitty attitude.  SERIOUSLY, STOP WHINING ALREADY!!  I'm boring!  Can you imagine if I actually talked like that all the time?  I'd have no friends, no one would want to be around me.  After listening to my own crappy internal dialogue, I don't want to be around me.  I keep myself very poor company (which is maybe why I always want to be distracted by movies or reading instead of just being with myself.)  This is what I'm trying to stop.  Let go of those boring complainy negative thoughts, and put my mind to better use.  But how to do this?  How can you just decide to use your mind in a less harmful more productive way?

Well, for starters you just decide to use your mind in a less harmful, more productive way.  I'm serious!  Really listen to yourself for a while, and if you don't like what you hear, change the subject.  Everyone has to have something they're interested in besides complaining.  I change the subject to blog posts.  Or I think about a drawing I might like to do.  I think about business stuff.  When it's really hard I read a cool book and I think about that instead (for me it's usually some sociology or evolutionary biology, something that gives me ideas and helps me put my own thoughts together).  You could even pull a Marge Simpson and think about items you would like to purchase.  Whatever you gotta do.

The cool thing is that it really is up to you what you think about (unless you have some kind of actual psychological problem, which I don't, I'm just annoying sometimes).  I'm not saying that I'm trying not to have a negative thought again.  I'm just trying to do it the most minimal amount necessary.  When I've been sufficiently negative (i.e., when I want to shove hot pokers in my eyes cause I'm so flilpping boring) then I start to think about other stuff instead.  If all else fails, then I take a walk in the blazing heat to the store to get milk.  By the time I get back I'm way too tired from carrying my 2 year old to really gripe about much!

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